Finally His Warm Christmas
Now that I’m 37, I’m surrounded by friends who are married and have children. I’ve accepted the reality that I’m distinctly different and I will never be the same as others who are now married and have children. More times than not, I’m so in love and so happy for all my friends and network who are at a point of focusing on building and growing out their family. I truly get a kick out of all the milestones and or happy or funny content of my friend’s kids and family life. In rare unexpected quiet moments and when I’m alone, an unrecognizable inner voice creeps up asking, “When will it be my turn?” This voice is so infrequent that it doesn’t warrant much attention or thought other then an awareness I have these passing feelings and thoughts. I’ve embraced this life and life stage I’m at. I’m a bachelorette that can do it all with nothing to hold me back, and I’m enjoying that adult freedom. It helps that I’m enjoying figuring out who I am in LA and also figuring out rhythms of life here.
While dilly-dallying during the Christmas gingerbread house installation in Seattle with a girlfriend, I saw him. He’s hard not to recognize as he’s a tall Asian guy with really peppered grey hair, and he seemed to be with a very noticeable short female friend. I haven’t seen him in so long and I didn’t have the courage to say hello as my outfit and messy hair bun was indicating not best impressions to see old romantic partners. I broke it off with him during the pandemic so it’s been a few years but yet I was still so frazzled at the possibility of him recognizing me. Welp, he didn’t. Must mean I really looked out of the ordinary. I grabbed my girlfriend by the arm so hard and fast to scurry out of the Christmas display installation that she was confused by why I was acting so off.
I mustered enough courage to text the following day a hey and I saw you at the gingerbread display.
“I went with my wife…”
My heart dropped. I don’t remember what he said before or after. Even though I didn’t truly feel congratulatory, I immediately gave him my biggest regards for reaching this milestone. From the sounds of it, he must have met her after meeting me. Knowing him, I knew his life and routine were ample for someone to easily come and slide into his world and routine he built in Seattle. He offered the promise of financial security and the tradition of getting a Christmas tree and decorating his home by Thanksgiving. With both his parents passing, I knew his last few holidays were lonesome and quiet. I was truly happy for him that he would finally have a fuller and warmer holiday to share it with someone else other than his sister now.
It stung that he reached that milestone before I did. I had always believed I would be the first to find a partner between us, but now, that rare whisper of envy sat on top of my chest. Once again, I found myself as a mere bystander, as if stranded on a dock without a ticket, watching my ex-romantic partner sail away toward the adventure I so deeply desire.