My Hopes For Better Fighting
When asked about my most recent relationship, I would share that it's been over half a decade since my last serious relationship, back when I used to live in New York City. Since then, my romantic life has been peppered with a series of casual fun encounters, situationships, and fleeting suitors, but a committed and exclusive relationship hasn't happened to me for some considerable time.
There are long-standing patterns in my romantic life that I'm working through, particularly my internal compass, misguiding me northward towards unhealthy infatuations and emotionally unavailable men. I've often settled for breadcrumbs of men's time and affection as genuine attraction, and even chasing them for it. I'm working on it, to rewire my compass to be drawn towards emotionally intelligent and available men.
Unlearning years of normalized anxious and unhealthy relationship draws, I'm refining the type of man I want to meet. Amidst this process, the memories of my last boyfriend frequently surfaces. He was the type of relationship where we were mutually chasing each other and I truly believed that we were going to settle down in marriage, have kids, and build our life together. Even though he was the very few emotionally available guys I've dated seriously, one bicker after another, the nine months of dating felt strained by the constant bickering. Where most of our fights stemmed from my hurt feelings by something he said.
It was Christmas Day, and following a heated conversation the day before, I initiated a phone conversation with hopes of reconciling and staying together. I asked, "What can we do to resolve this?" He raised his voice in a frustrated and angry tone, "To fix this, it's you! You are so goddamn sensitive! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with you..." In that moment, my initial resolve to mend the relationship dissipated with my heart breaking and sinking into my stomach. From a place of uncharacteristic cold detachment, I replied, "Maybe you should be with someone who understands you better."
"You wanna break up?" he still angrily spoke to me.
"Yeah."
I don't remember the specifics of our conversation before or after that moment; they seem inconsequential. At some point, he offered a brief apology via text and expressed wanting to stay together. His earlier words felt irreparable and cutting. Looking back had he approached me with a groveling apology and a commitment to working through his conflict resolution skills, I might have reconsidered. Yet, he made only a few feeble attempts at reconciliation through a text message. No call. No video. Not even an in-person visit. His words and tone are still so sharp in my memory to this day.
As much as it was so painful and such an ugly conversation to have, I learned something about myself and the type of guy I want to be drawn towards. I've learned through the experience, that I instinctually shut down mentally and emotionally in arguments. That stems from my upbringing of witnessing my parents constantly fighting and me internalizing fault for their very large and long marital troubles. This also allowed me to realize, that I want to find a man who can patiently navigate my inclination to withdraw during disagreements, and who possesses the emotional intelligence and healthy conflict resolution styles to be with me. I can't help but wonder, am I asking and wishing for the impossible?