Laughing at The Thought of Dying Alone

When I first went on a date with my first 40 year old, I had no deep thought about the matter on the age difference being over 10 years. There was a part of me that actually liked the idea of dating someone older. It rang and still rings the potential or promise of less “games” in dating, more established in their career which equates the prospects they could financially support me and my future babies, and they had a home already setup and easily just waiting for a significant other to just come swooning into this home they built.

Even after many dates and different faces over the years, I still remember random long ago details with my first 40 year old and our date at a comedy club. I gushed at his prospects but I above that, felt conversations were easy and the physical draw to want to kiss him. After a few drinks in before comedy club it definitely were setting us up for make-out sessions at the comedy club, which comedians definitely pointed at us and called us out embarrassingly as part of their comedic content for the evening.

The comedians that night were sub-par in comparison to some of the more mainstream comedians that I appreciate and respect. They were sub-par for the many crude jokes that are too grotesque and over-sharing or some spectrum of very vile self-depreciation. I didn’t laugh very much during the night. It vividly replays in my head, 40 year old didn’t laugh as much either but he laughed hardest when a joke was made about the thoughts of dying alone. Single, and dying alone. I couldn’t understand why that joke was so funny. I don’t think I ever heard him laugh that hard even many dates later. Now that I’m 35, I get why he laughed so hard. There’s some truth to how it’s a real thought one has when one is single and older. When I was younger, the thought of dying, single, and alone didn’t feel eminent but now, it does.