My heart dropped. I don’t remember what he said before or after. Even though I didn’t truly feel congratulatory, I immediately gave him my biggest regards for reaching this milestone. From the sounds of it, he must have met her after meeting me. Knowing him, I knew his life and routine were ample for someone to easily come and slide into his world and routine he built in Seattle. He offered the promise of financial security and the tradition of getting a Christmas tree and decorating his home by Thanksgiving. With both his parents passing, I knew his last few holidays were lonesome and quiet. I was truly happy for him that he would finally have a fuller and warmer holiday to share it with someone else other than his sister now.

When asked about my most recent relationship, I would share that it's been over half a decade since my last serious relationship, back when I used to live in New York City. Since then, my romantic life has been peppered with a series of casual fun encounters, situationships, and fleeting suitors, but a committed and exclusive relationship hasn't happened to me for some considerable time.

Perhaps it’s something I need to explore further and unpack. Is there such a thing that I will meet someone who feels so additive to my life that I would be convinced to move across the world to embrace a different life than I already know? Will there be someone with whom I will feel empowered and confident about what’s next or stepping into the unknown?

Trying to date him and also quitting him felt like another first for me, where I felt like I was being a more responsible dater. I was honest, I owned my own crap, I communicated my needs, I gave him the benefit of the doubt without assuming, pressed into any fears and or anything that triggered me. And even after knowing I gave it my best, gave it my all, quitting him felt so painful as if I made the wrong choice. If I’m making the right choice why is it so painful? Aren’t only wrong decisions supposed to be painful? With the heaviest of hearts, at that time I knew feelings of “wrong” was the right decision and I felt like I was dating from a place of a grown-up heart for a first time in a long while.

If he never reached out again, I was content with just one date. Though, he reached out again.

“Hey pretty lady!”

God I’m a sucker for praise.

I was so sad and drunk, I drunk dialed my last romantic connection and we talked on the phone for two hours into the middle of the late night. I have no idea what we talked about and do not recall my drunken sad self blubbering. I also speculated he would pick up.

Towards the end, on top of the vulnerability of sharing his divorce, he asked, “I’m having such a great time but just wondering if you are feeling the same.”

…Don’t we all stop at some point clubbing/going to festivals and when does it stop? Or does inebriated happy feet have no weight into the character and heart of a man?

There is something to him falling asleep on me that struck a chord and still sticks with me.

When I look at the rollercoaster of emotion from my nieces who are three and now almost six years old, there is something so human and innate with what they feel. Feeling happy. Frustration. Anger. Feeling sad. Feeling love.

We were taking turns on his computer and looking up songs to play..

When I first went on a date with my first 40 year old, I had no deep thought about the matter on the age difference being over 10 years.